When the moment came, so many thoughts and emotions went through
my head. Guilt, failure, sadness, fear,
relief and lots of love to name a few.
With all these emotions and so many choices to be made, all I could do
was cry.
The day came exactly 2 weeks after we received the devastating
news and had made the decision to give our baby girl the best life possible for
her remaining days inside my body. October 7, 2015 our precious angel arrived,
Violet Erin Jo.
The weekend prior to her arrival I just knew something was
wrong. I was in so much pain that all I
could do was sit and rest while trying to find comfort with a heating pad. I thought many times I was going into labor
but then the pain would cease. Violet
was still very active and I could feel her every movement. On Monday morning I decided to go to work. I
wanted some sort of normality back in my life and thought this would help. I had
a good morning at work and came home on my lunch. I still just didn’t feel right though so decided
not to go back to work and instead stay home to rest. That night when I went to bed there was no
movement which was odd because she was super active in the evenings and in the
mornings. There was still no movement the next morning and I just knew. A million thoughts were going through my
head. Do I tell Jeremy? Do I just wait and see if maybe I am wrong? My mind
would trick me into believing that maybe I just felt her move. There were so
many thoughts and emotions. I had an
appointment already scheduled for that afternoon so I knew there was no point
in going in to the hospital immediately. Several minutes before we walked out
the door for our appointment, I looked at Jeremy and asked “What are we going
to do if there is no heart beat?” I
don’t know if he believed I was being serious but deep down I knew the time had
come to ask myself this very question.
We got to the doctor’s office and I told my doctor that I
hadn’t felt movement and what I believed to be true at this point. Once again, I
cried. She got the Doppler out and we
tried and tried to find a beat but my heart beat was the only sound. We proceeded with an ultra sound to confirm
and yes indeed our sweet baby girl had passed.
My heart sank and I thought to myself “I can’t believe she is
gone”. With so much relief that she was
not suffering and so much sadness that the moment had come, we had to start
making choices. I want it to be known
that we were truly blessed with the greatest doctor EVER. If it hadn’t been for her these choices would
have been so much harder. We decided to
head home to pack our bags and drive to Madison with our doctor. Yes, our doctor is that amazing that she went
to Madison with us and was there for us with the most unconditional support and
love of any human being, let alone doctor, could provide. I honestly couldn’t have made it through
everything without her. We are so lucky
to have her in our lives and couldn’t have found a better person to name our
sweet Violet after (Erin).
24 hours after arriving in Madison, our baby girl arrived. It was a very long, brutal labor and
delivery. My body just wasn’t ready to let go.
I thought that the emotional pain
would numb the physical pain but I was completely wrong. The emotional pain made the physical pain so
much worse. With the most AMAZING husband and doctor by my
side the entire labor and delivery and with their physical and emotional support,
I was somehow able to push through. I
will never forget how minutes before her arrival, with everyone staring at me,
I had to take a short mental break. I
sat and cried. At that point the only
pain I felt was in my heart. I never in
my life thought it was possible to be this sad and to emotionally hurt this
much. I wasn’t ready for it to be over and to let go but part of me felt a sigh
of relief that certain aspects of the situation were coming to an end. I had
given my baby the best life inside of me possible but now it was time to lay
her to rest. I took a deep breath and
minutes later she was there. The medical staff put our angel
aside and focused on me and my physical well-being. I just wanted to be left alone. Once
things were under control with me my thoughts remained with our angel but I wasn’t
sure if I was ready to see her, I was scared.
Erin (my doctor) went over and saw her first. I asked her every question I thought of about
our little girl. She answered them honestly and she brought her over for me to
hold. Jeremy and I just stared at her, she was OUR baby. In all the years of my life I will never
forget the moment of looking at her tiny face, hands and feet. She was our angel.
For the days after the delivery, the physical pain was a
constant reminder of the emotional pain.
I cried a lot. I felt as if my
life would never be normal again and all I wanted back was my normal life. I just wanted to be alone with Jeremy and try
to pull myself together. Every hug hurt,
not only emotionally but physically. I
couldn’t get a grasp as to why I deserved all of this. I could not see the light at the end of the
tunnel.
The morning after we got home from the hospital I was
scrolling through Facebook and I came across a picture of a sunrise. A whole
whirl wind of emotion came over me and I sat and cried (just as I am crying
while typing this). I finally felt like
my life wasn’t over. My life may have
been shattered for the last few weeks but it wasn’t over. Other people have been through this, they
made it through and so would I. The sunrise made me feel like I was alive again
and every day was going to be hard but the sun would rise again. I realized I
have never given thanks to the fact that the sunrises each day. We have so much in our lives that each and
every one of us takes for granted every day.
We are all guilty of always wanting more and as people don’t sit back
and realize how much we already have. We
always want a bigger house, more money, a better job, a new car, more kids, to
be married and are always comparing ourselves to everyone else. I don’t feel like I am that person who always
needs something better but I know we all get that way from time to time. For the first time in my life I felt like I
won the lottery. I have the perfect
house, the perfect car, the perfect job, the perfect amount of money and the
perfect family. I’m more thankful for
the things I do have more than ever. It makes me sad to think my life had to be
shattered to realize this. Don’t get me wrong, I have always been a thankful
person but my thankfulness was just taken to a whole new level. Every time I
see a sunrise I am sure it will continue to make me cry but also make me feel thankful. God is good!
We have so many tough days ahead of us and there will be no
end to the pain from losing a child. The
memories from what I call “the 2 weeks of mental torture” and “the brutal
delivery” will continue to haunt me. I
know that with time some of these horrific emotions and memories will fade but
we are going to be forever changed. I will think of our sweet Violet every
day. We know that she is in a great
place and watching over her mom, dad and 3 brothers. She is forever our angel.
Thanks for all the love and support
Love you all,
Heather & Jeremy
