It has been almost 3 weeks since our sweet baby girl’s
funeral. The day of the funeral, I woke
up and thought to myself “I can’t believe I am going to my baby’s
funeral”. It is seriously every mother’s
worst nightmare and I couldn’t believe it was happening to me. It was a feeling
that I can’t even explain. It is so
difficult to wrap my head around the fact that this has happened to me. I often say to myself, why me? Why my
child? I am not sure that this will ever
make sense to me. I just hope someday I
can find some sort of comfort and peace.
During what I call “the weeks of mental torture” my plan was
to get all the funeral arrangements made so when the day came it was all
planned out. It was so emotionally and mentally
draining not only planning a birth but also a funeral. How does one do that? I thought to myself
“this is not the way life is supposed to be”. I finally set up a time to meet with our
pastor and the funeral home but unfortunately the day we were supposed to meet
was the day we lost her. I am so
fortunate to personally know Tiffany (the funeral director) and I don’t know
what I would have done without her. She
made this process much easier and more comfortable for us. She came to me with so many ideas that never
even crossed my mind. She is truly an amazing
person and amazing at what she does. I
will be honest with you, I have always had a fear of cemeteries. Yes, I still visited loved ones who have
already passed but it has always been very difficult for me. Jeremy and I decided we were going to buy
plots so that our precious Violet could be at rest someday between her mother
and father. I couldn’t bring myself to
help pick out these plots. Thankfully my father helped out and went with Jeremy
to pick out the plots. I hate the fact that I am 30 years old and have a
cemetery plot.
The day of the funeral Jeremy, the boys and I went to the
funeral home to add items to the vault and seal it. Ian of course couldn’t let her go without
being a Packer fan so he took a packer flag from his room and put it in with
her. Braun made her a sweet letter with
her brother’s names on it and attached a Lego light saver to it. He said the light saver was her magic wand
that would help her continue to grow. With
the help of Ian and Bailey, Jeremy sealed the vault. The feeling of knowing we would never see her
again was heart wrenching. The pain in
my heart was the true pain of a broken heart. I felt like someone was literally
ripping my heart out of my chest. I know deep down that she is in a better
place, free of pain, she will never suffer again and will get to live the most
amazing life in heaven but the pain in my heart was just not fair. To anyone who has ever felt this pain, I am
sure you know that exact pain and I am sorry that you ever had to experience
it. It is a stabbing, heavy, throbbing
pain in the base of your heart that never goes away. I try to embrace that time spent with her
after the birth. Those hours are ones I
will cherish forever and will never forget.
Pastor Mark performed a beautiful graveside service for our precious
Violet with our family surrounding us.
We released balloons for a sendoff of our sweet little girl to heaven.
Every day is an emotional roller coaster. As I said before, the pain in the base of my
heart will never go away. It is a pain that I hope you never have to
experience. There are days when all I
can do is cry and days when I feel like my emotions are completely shut off. There is also days when I am just angry.
For 6 months I thought I was having
a baby. I bought many things for the
baby, counted down the weeks to go, talked about what I was going to do on
maternity leave, had baby room ideas in store and to have it all ripped away
from me, it is the most devastating thing ever.
Every week I think to myself of how many weeks I would be or how big my
belly should be. As my due date gets
closer and closer I feel like the pain gets more unbearable. I often ask myself
if things will get some better after my due date approaches. I feel like after each mile stone I get over
a hurdle of pain. Only time will tell and there are a lot of the emotional unknowns.
The thing I find to be the toughest daily obstacle to
overcome is looking in the mirror. I
often forget until I look in the mirror that I no longer have a baby bump. Many times I have caught myself looking in
the mirror to only realize my belly is gone.
Every time this happens to me I relive the initial feeling I had after I
lost her. Many times getting ready in
the morning I find myself sitting in my walk-in closet crying. I hope that this will ease with time.
Talking about it
helps so if you see me, don’t be afraid.
Many people still find it difficult and are struggling to find the “correct”
things to say to me. There is no “correct “thing to say, simply just say I’m
sorry. That’s it. I want to share my story and talk about it so
if you have questions, ask me. If I cry
(or you cry) while talking, it’s OK.
This is part of the healing process that I need. We still hope you will all continue to pray
for us. I feel like this a long journey
and the pain will carry on. I just have
to give myself the daily reminder that tomorrow the sun will rise again and I
will make it through this journey. Every
day may not be a good one but I am blessed that God gave me another day.
Thank you for all your love and support!
Love you all,
Heather & Jeremy
I wanted to share this . It is Violet's actual foot print. Many people have asked and I am sure there is many people wondering. Yes, she had all 10 fingers and toes. She had every feature that we all have. She was like a tiny little doll weighing in at 1 lb 8 oz and 10 inches long.
