The Raw Truth

Many of you may have wondered what happened after my last blog post or may have even forgot it even existed.   I am now close to almost 3 years without my angel.  There are days when it seems like forever and there are days when it seems like just yesterday. I can’t even tell you how many times I have woke up in the middle of the night full of words for my next blog or even started them in my notes section on my phone.  It was just too hard for me to fully express the details of the 2 years and 9 months since I last wrote.

First thing I can say is it has not been easy! The emotional roller coaster is one that only those who have experienced significant loss or trauma can define.  You become a part of this group that no one intends, or ever wishes, to be a part of but somehow you end up in it.  I have met some pretty amazing women who have fought the same battle as me and was recently asked to be a part of a photo session called #babylossis ( Please look this up on Facebook under Krysthol Davis Photography).  At first I wasn’t sure I wanted to put myself and pictures out there but ultimately decided that I wasn’t going to let these brave women fight this battle alone nor was I going to contribute to the stigma of losing a baby where some feel it is shameful and you shouldn’t talk about it.

What is #babylossis? It may be defined differently by each individual’s experience, and I could tell you so many heart wrenching stories of the situations I have encountered over the years, but over the last couple of years I’ve thought long and hard about how this experience has impacted me.  No list could ever capture the full reality of losing a baby but I’ve found the nerve to finally put some of those feelings on paper.

Baby loss is: having a tremendous fear of babies; the fear of walking in to a birthing suite to visit your friend; countless nightmares; attending birthday parties while fighting back the tears; seeing a child that is the same age your child should be and putting on a smiling face; having a fear that something will happen to one of your other children; laying on the bathroom floor rolled in a blanket unable to move; making yourself get out of bed when you don’t think it's possible; having an anxiety attack when you always wondered if they were even real;  answering the most heart wrenching question “ how many kids do you have?”; wondering if it will make or break your marriage; celebrating birthdays and holidays with an empty seat at the table; hoping and praying your husband and other children can forgive you for the anger/crying outbursts; having some faith that your children will be able to recover from the trauma as well; being on multiple medications to get you through the day/night; losing friends that don’t understand; realizing you are not the same person nor will you ever be and trying to get others to understand; having to explain that I am still a mother of a daughter even though you can’t see her; not bursting into tears when someone tells you that you really need a girl; learning to deal with the fact that others have moved on with their lives but your still dying inside; getting sick to your stomach when people announce they are having an ultrasound; selling and letting go of all the baby items you bought;  becoming more thankful for all the things big and small in your life; unfollowing people from social media because their “perfect life” is just too hard for you to handle; listening to people complain on social media that they are “ still pregnant” or “pregnancy sucks” or “my baby didn’t sleep all night”; the fear of ever having another baby; decorating your daughter's grave only to have your heart broken each time you go there because not only are you aching for your baby but heartless, horrible people have stolen everything off her grave;  and lastly the PTSD.   .   

Okay, I’m sure you are over hearing the sad stuff but this is the raw truth. I want to tell you all something that I’ve come to realize.  When trauma or loss happens, you can do one of two things.  You can continue to spiral down this long path of despair or you can pick yourself up and run with it.  I have chosen to run with it.  That certainly does not mean it was an easy conclusion for me to come to or that I don’t have bad days or triggers that still hit me.  This simply means I have accepted that God has a plan and I’m going to see where his plan takes me.

I am about to get “religious” on you but you need to hear this.  I was angry at God just like anyone is when something bad or traumatic happens. But I decided to pray every day to ask him why he had lead me down this path that felt like brutal torture.  I knew deep down he had a plan for me and I just needed to ask for his guidance to get me through the pain.

One year after we lost our precious Violet, I randomly received a Facebook message about a nursing job.  This wasn’t any regular nursing job but it was doing work that after the loss of Violet, I never imagined I’d be able to do.  It was working with pregnant moms!  I thought, seriously, those people are the scariest people on the planet! But I applied for the job anyway.  After interviewing and hearing about my life experiences, I was offered the position.  It didn’t take long for me to fall in LOVE with my job.  This led me to doing limited OB Ultrasounds, which up to that point I couldn’t even mention the word ultrasound without getting sick to my stomach. This lead me to the, what had become to me, unimaginable goal of becoming an RN.  See, I had my LPN for many years and didn't think nursing was my thing so quit pursuing my RN and took a different career path. Being a nurse was no longer my plan, but as it turned out, it was God’s plan.  I had prayed so hard for him to guide me and was patient and believed he would lead me in the right direction.  If I hadn’t chosen to take my loss and run with it, to ask for God’s help, I would not be where I am today.  I would not have made it through school; I would not be working as an RN in a position I love; and I never would’ve gotten through the “tough” stuff.

Trauma can either make you or break you.  I am shouting out loud and clear to all those mothers “stuck in that rut”.  YOU can do this, I promise!  It won't ‘be easy.  In fact it will be one of the hardest things you will ever do but if you follow God’s path, you will find your light at the end of the tunnel.  

In a previous blog I had talked about sunrises.  That is what got me through those dark days that I didn’t think were possible to get out of.  Know that you are here for a reason and every day God will give you another day and another sunrise.  If that means all you can do is get out of bed and shower. DO IT!  It takes small steps.  I am still not all the way there. I still shed tears (even as I am writing this to you).  I still have bad days but I also have good days.   Find your comfort and faith.   Most importantly find your person.  The person you can count on when you have those bad days.  The person who will bring you something unexpected or show up at your house at just the right time.  Find the person you can cry to for even 10 minutes and feel like you just conquered your fears.   You will always need that person.  Believe me you will find that person and don’t ever let them go.  My person knows who they are and they have been my solid rock who has got me through every step of this way.  I could never be more thankful that God gave me “my person”.  This person may be someone you already know or somebody you find in that new community, somebody who can share in their loss.  

Lastly, I will put it out there, the infinite question I get ALL the time.  Are you going to have more children?  The answer is no.  I personally decided that we are blessed together with three healthy boys.  I realized I couldn’t be pregnant again emotionally it would just not be best for me or my family.  This was a tough decision to make and it is not the right decision for everyone who has gone through this unbearable pain. You must make that decision for yourself.  

I cannot thank you enough for praying for me, sending me personal gifts, or dropping me a quick message.  Every single thing that each and every one of you did has impacted my heart and I will not forget.

I will NEVER not talk about Violet.  If that makes people uncomfortable, that is unfortunate but I am not sorry.  No mother should ever not be allowed to talk about their child, deceased or alive.  Violet will forever be our angel and there is not a DAY that goes by that I don’t think of her.   She has changed me, molded me, made me stronger, made me more thankful, made me love deeper than I ever thought was possible.  
Forever our angel. 

With lots of love and thankfulness for all your support,

Heather

P.S In expressing what babylossis, I mean no harm or personal guilt on or towards others.  It is just the raw reality.  It is no one’s fault and even though I hurt from the loss of my own child, I am overjoyed for anyone that has a healthy, beautiful baby.  

**Photo Credits by Krysthol Davis Photography***

Special thanks to Melissa Brunton who came up with the photo shoot of #whatbabylossis.
You are an incredible brave angel mommy that I am blessed to have met.